Diary of a Grognerd

Traveller OGL: Alienist [RPG Peek-a-Review]

2012-01-28T00:08:00.000-08:00

Considering I haven't been doing a lot of roleplaying game coverage in my blog, I figured it's about time I did. And what better than to start off with one of my fave indie RPG publishers? Postmortem Studios is the small-but-mighty ship James "Grim" Desborough calls his own, and he always gets very talented folks to work with him. This has culminated into a steady stream of numerous releases for the RPG market, most, if not all, being carried by one of the best places to find e-versions of an incredible variety of RPG products: RPG NOW.

One thing first, though. You may notice I have earmarked this entry "Peek-a-Review". What the hell does that mean, anyway? Simple: I don't usually like doing super long and comprehensive reviews. Or maybe I haven't playtested them (as is the case here). I guess I'm, um, sorry if that bothers you. What I prefer is talking about the item, maybe whine about it if it offends my delicate sensibilities, or maybe I unleash the hyperbolese and go gibber-faced insane. Who knows. But if you want a review that reads like a badass Homeric poem, I simply cannot recommend RPG.net enough.

Anyway, on to Alienist, dammit.

The Copy
"A full career path for the Traveller OGLMany people are fascinated by alien cultures but for some it becomes an obsession and for a few, exceptional people they become a part of the culture that fascinates them. Accepted in a way that most never could be.Caught between their own people and their obsession, the Alienist is a bridge between disparate cultures separated by light years, psychology and even biology."

What You Get
The Alienist PDF is a rather short affair, and is pretty no-frills. There isn't even a credits page. It clocks in at nine pages, six of which are what I call "Meat Pages"; as in, ones with rules and aren't OGL licence stuff or the cover. The Meat Pages are breviloquent* concerning the description of the Alienist class, and it still manages to be well-written. Then you get a few pages of charts which are laid out in a way that almost made me go cross-eyed at first... However, when I look at the specific part of the chart I need to read, it's not so bad. Charts and tables are available for Skills & Training, Career Progress, Ranks and Benefits, Mustering Out Benefits, Mishaps, and Events. You probably won't be surprised when I say the Mishaps and Events ones are my favourites. And, indeed, reading through them was interesting, but not as entertaining as I had hoped. Then again, Postmortem most likely made the right decision in that case. There are some new rules and new equipment, too, with the new skill "Integration" making perfect sense when an Alienist is immersing themselves in an alien culture (I hear this becomes problematic for those Alienists visiting LV-426). The major standout in the equipment section is "Bodyswap" (TL 14, by the way), in which someone who feels they are born to the wrong species-- called "xenodismorphia"-- can, well, you know, fully integrate themselves. Pretty neat, really. There are a few more items and then that's it... roll License Agreement. To me, everything looks fairly balanced and it's excessively unlikely it will break anything.
(*Yes, this is a word. I find it friendlier sounding than "laconic".)

Art und Layout
Overall, the art and layout remain cost-effective without looking too cheap. The cover art is decent enough, and doesn't make me want to kill myself. Always a good thing, I suppose. It's really not bad, man. In fact, I dig it. Have you seen some of the art in indie games out there? Yee-ikes. There is not much more art to be had aside from the cool cyberspacepunky border bits; which I love, honestly. The layout is simple, single column style, which you should be able to read with ease. There is the aforementioned problem with the tables and the like, which look a bit crammed to me. But once you need to find a particular listing, you should have no problem. As for the editing? It's good. Being the nitpicking editor bastard (and obvious hypocrite) I am, I like the cut of this product's editing jib.

Bang For Your Buck
There is no other way to say it: This mofo be fiddy cents, dawg. That's right: 50 cents. Bang/Buck-wise, this is rockin' and rockin' hard.

The Bottom Line
Look, I promise that next time I'll have something cooler for my "in conclusion" title thing... But the bottom line is that if you play Mongoose's Traveller, you should totally check this out. It's cheap, it's informative and to the point, and I really don't know when the last time I saw something so cool and nifty that's dropped right into any Traveller game for the price of making a crazy homeless dude leave you alone. Personally, I'd put it in my Traveller game if I were running one. And that reminds me: I need to run one. I am dying to do a Judge Dredd or Strontium Dog game. The Alienist class would work well with them, too. I'll let y'all know how that works out when I get there.

Lethality: The vessel had a crew of six brave souls who went to go check out that alien world and ended up on the dead and/or bugshit poopers side of things. One man made it back. He was carrying two arms, one of which still clutched a ray gun. Or maybe it was a newer model hairdryer.

If you play Traveller you would be doing yourself a disfavour not buying this.

You can purchase it here.

Wow, this was MUCH longer than I anticipated. I would like to thank Postmortum Studios for sending review material my way. I will be featuring and reviewing more of their products in the near future, including talking about one of them on the upcoming MouthFist Podcast.

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Comments are always welcome. Except from you. Yeah, you. You know I'm talking about you-- yeah, over there. And, of course, there's the email option.

Total Party Kill 1/27/12: Mouthfisting the Zombie Dickheads for Science

2012-01-27T09:30:00.000-08:00

First, the banner:

Ta-DAHHHH!

And hey, how about another banner I found in the images dead elephant graveyard for this blog?

Just gaming, though? Shame.

Anyhow, welcome to another Friday here at Diary of a Grognerd. After the jump, you will find links to everything that went up here since last Friday, links to neat things around the intardnets and ultrawebs, and a couple featured "X of the Week!" items.

And... get ready... get ready... steady... JUMP

Here's what's been goin' on...

Flashback Montage With Your Mom Theatre

Mini Profile: Epic Wargaming
Paper minis and terrain? Hell, yes. And this new outfit has some free stuff for you to check out, including some sweet, sweet rules (also FREE).

Pimpstarter: Flying Fortress Volume 1
A new feature thing where I will try to find Kickstarter projects that look interesting to me... and maybe you'll find them interesting, too.

Daken: Dark Wolverine #20 [Comic Review]
I review a Marvel comic which involves-- I think-- Wolverine's son.

Behold! The Enemy of All Mini-Kind
Minis and cats will never get along...

Midnight Mini pr0n: Reaper 012312--GO!
Wherein I show off some sexy new Reaper minis.

I know, I know. Not much on The Posting for me. And yes, Kelvin, I will be going through Dredd vs Death this next week and posting about that.

***

Look! Linky Logs of Love

MINIS: Whilst searching around, I found this decent review on some popular paints. Sadly missing Reaper, however.

MINIS/HISTORY/ETC: Via these guys, I found this post on the Top 10 Most Bizarre Wars.

COMICS/INTERNET: A really good thought-provoking post on piracy, SOPAand such from comic writer Josh Fialkov.

COMICS: A totally zarjaz 2000 AD themed blog, Thrill Powered Thursday, from the supreme and most amazing Hipster Dad.

COMICS: Speaking of Zarjaz, here's some art for DEATH PLANET (it needs to be written in caps), coming with an issue of Judge Dredd Megazine soon. Also read DEATH PLANET's cover artist Pye Parr's blog. Dude-Droid is scary talented and stuff.

"What do you mean DEATH PLANET is dangerous??"

RANDOM: Coolest name for a freelance art person's web presence ever? I like to think so. From the site: "Flaming Unicorn Skeleton is the freelance practice of Joel Tellier, a compulsive artist who has a keen eye for detail, simplicity and relevance within the work he produces."

COMICS: Artist Chris Moreno's mind and body has thrown up some of the coolest shit since Gymkata aired in Albanian: ZOMBIE DICKHEADS (also needs to be in caps). I will be buying this, as I know already that it rules, and rules hard. You should probably pick it up, too.

Pictured: Not Gymkata. Thank GOD.

RPGS: Are you keeping up with Paizo's RPG Superstar? You should be.

COMICS: Writer Jamie Gambell and friends have released the comic OMNITARIUM (caps!) for free. It's worth checking out, so get it here. It's around 100 pages of terrifically crafted horror, kids. Be sure to tip the hardworking talent, mmmkay? GET IT.

Sing it now: "Om-ni-tarium... it... be... free!"

WEBCOMICS: And finally for links, the TPK Webcomic of the Week is... OVERCAST WITH A CHANCE OF DOOM. If you're like me and enjoy dark, gothy humour, go enjoy the poop out of this. Brought to you by Robert Tritthardt, the diseased mind behind the most excellent Writhe and Shine.

Read it HERE, dammit.

There are tons of other things I would love to link to, but there simply isn't time. That was a pretty comics heavy links-debut, wasn't it? Next time I'll be sure to do more concerning video games and rpgs.

***

Mini pr0n!

This week, I would like to further prove I have a thing for Ze Germans in Spaaaaaace (Example 4-57b). Just gaze upon these dudes:

Yup. That robot is BOSS, man.

Pig Iron Productions' Kolony Militia HQ (KL.6) is really, really, nice. In fact, all of Pig Iron's minis are breathtaking little fellas. Sometime in the near future, I will have to do a Midnight Mini pr0n focused on them. I need to save my hard earned gold-pressed latinum so I can order these babies.

***

That's It?

For this week, yeah. I've had a lot going on, but I wanted to get a Friday TPK in there, y'know? TPKs will always be different, and will only have a loose format to follow... as you can no doubt see. I didn't even give anything a lethality score in the Official TPK Post this time around. Weird.

But, since you've been so good, I will leave you with this...

You are going to have to touch it to make it bigger.

The above screenshot from the Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic MMO is courtesy of Mr. Andrew Brown, a true gentleman and scholar. It's also a strange, esoteric hint of something destined to rear its ugly head in the hallowed halls of Diary of a Grognerd.

Fine. I'll leave you with something else, too; another teaser of something else in the works:

Object Shown may be closer than it appears.

Hope to see you lot throughout the week! Until next time, take care of yourself... and those bodies you need to bury.

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I always love comments, requests and suggestions... so, go crazy down below. Or, if you would rather keep it private, email me.

(Please note: All images belong to their proper owners. If an image owner has any issues over any images here, please contact me to let me know)

Midnight Mini pr0n: Reaper 012312--GO!

2012-01-27T00:00:00.000-08:00

Hello, you magnificent creatures of bastarddom--

Wait. Is there two d's in "bastarddom"? That's gonna bug me.

Welcome to another Midnight Mini pr0n! Tonight's pr0n features an old favourite of mine and many of yours': Reaper Minatures.

Reaper is one of those outfits who produce consistently awesome and affordable minis. They have an incredible selection to pick from and they even have very nice paints. Just go and poke around their site for a while. You'll spend hours there... and then? And then you'll want to order stuff.

And then?

And then you'll notice they give free shipping on orders of $25 or more for the USA... and CANADA! This means a lot to me, as I complain a lot about shipping from the US to here.

This Midnight, I invite you to take a look at what new treats Reaper has to offer today (or, technically, yesterday, but whatevs).

CLICK ON THIS LINK AND BEHOLD, SON (OR DAUGHTER).

Now I will show you what I love. Now, I'm no miniatures racist. I love them all... but there ARE ones I prefer more than others.

You know, kinda like how I am with my kids*.
(*Obvious joke is obvious. Right? Pleasedon'thurtme.)

"Damn your hammers of war! I said GO THAT WAY!!"

Looking above this text, you may instantly understand why the combination of Reaper Miniatures and designer Bobby Jackson are a match made in heaven. You can go directly to the listing for "Erik Proudfoot, Intergalactic Marine" here. You will also want to see more of Mr. Jackson's Intergalactic Marines-- and don't worry, I got yor back. Just GO HERE.

Moving right along, another standout new fig for me from Reaper is "Shadowguard, DkRch", also by-- wait for it... waaaait-- Bobby Jackson! Check it:

"Yep. I'm totally badass, yo."

But all minis can't be swaggering badass mofos created by Bobby Jackson (who, I bet, has laser shooting eyes and a chainsaw fist). This next one is nicely crafted by one Patrick Keith. It is very badass in its own subtle way.

"Bitch, where my shoes at?"

It's hard to find a great female miniature these days, you know? Well done, Mr. Keith. Quite elegant. The entry for "Trinia Sabor" is HERE.

While all the new minis Reaper are offering as of today [ed: yesterday-- okay, well technically technically, this week] are, in fact, freaking neat-o, these three really grabbed me.

My thanks to @minireaper, which is where you find Reaper Miniatures on ze Twitter. They are a most-follow for minis-fans, by the by, as they are incredibly helpful and communicative. I'm assuming they also must love tacos, too.

I hope you've enjoyed this latest dose of pr0n! I do have one question to leave you with:

Midnight Mini pr0n will always happen at Midnight when I post it-- but which timezone should I use for the posting time? Right now it's posted with my timezone, PST, in mind. Thoughts? Go ahead and sound off your vote in the comments. Or email me if yer shy.

Behold! The Enemy of All Mini-Kind

2012-01-25T19:07:00.000-08:00

Recently, I've gotten into painting miniatures again. While I have loved minis since a very young age, I do go through periods where I don't feel like painting them. Oh, I'll buy them. Then they'll sit in a box while I wish very, very hard for them to paint themselves, or "Why can't I get these pre-painted", which all leads to the fact that I'm too damned cheap to pay someone to paint them for me.

Well, like I said already: Recently, I've gotten into painting miniatures again... And I will be happy to show my terrible painting skills off soon, but in the meantime I would like to show you some photos depicting one of the greatest threats to minis and mini supplies out there.

Many of you can feel the dread because you already know what I'm talking about...

What am I talking about?

What.

CATS.

Behold their frightening power... the way they move around a modelling workspace with such predatory grace. They are also REALLY VERY TOTALLY curious... of anything breakable, natch.

Ooooooo!

The way they poke around and then, when you catch them in the act, they just... they just...

Whaaaaaat...

They just look at you.

But then, how can we get mad at them, like, ever?

They blur before they pounce.

They're SO CUTE. Gah, I can't stand it.

Also, you'll be pleased to know that Luna also bats at me to get my attention when I'm writing. It's just adorable. She's very distracting and fuzzy, you know.

Incidentally, my lovely girlfriend also does her art things right next to me. It's probably sickeningly sweet, with her drawing and me painting. Awww, nerd love. But, more importantly, she is vastly more talented than I at Art. I will show off some of her Art soon here in Ze Blog.

Daken: Dark Wolverine #20 [Comic Review]

2012-01-25T18:00:00.000-08:00

"These men? They are meat simply waiting to stop moving."

Rather than waiting until the end of the week to post a clump of comic book reviews ("reviews", really), I figure I can just post them individually and such. This also means it looks like I have more content and I'm doing more than trying to figure out the exact rules for a FATAL RPG LARP.

(That's right-- big, big letters.)

Today, let's look at the latest issue of Daken: Dark Wolverine, shall we? Beginning the near-senseless ramblings... NOW!

I was never much interested in reading Daken. Nope. The very thought of reading anything Wolverine related bores the shit out of me. And this is hilarious when you take into account that I'm 1) wearing a Wolverine t-shit, and 2) it's John Byrne's Wolverine on my t-shirt (this will be REALLY funny to those of you who know me as "the guy who murdered All The Rage"). Indeed, I didn't even know who the hell Daken is, exactly, until I looked him up on The Mighty Wikipedia.

Let's see... ah, yes, I knew he was Wolverine's son already... uh-huh... Oh, his name is Akihiro and Daken is his codename. Well, that makes perfect sense. Uh-huh... reading some more... I see. I see. So, Daken is Wolverine as a young man without re-booting Wolverine, maybe? It doesn't matter. From my quick research I can conclude that he is Wolverine, but younger and more interesting. And not Canadian.

There's a window here for me to crack a "And making him not-Canadian increases the interesting-factor of Daken three-fold", but I'll refrain. Don't worry, though, I also picked up the latest issue of Alpha Flight to check it out.

You may be asking yourself "But why did you buy Daken, Steve?" That's a very good question! Truth be told, I read the new Ghost Rider series on a whim, noticed that I still really enjoy Rob Williams' writing (he's a true gem from the 2000 AD stable-- also known as Great Britain), and saw him mention Daken on Twitter. I was, like, "Well, shit, I'll buy a copy and check it out, especially since it's a standalone."

Yes, this issue is a standalone; which means you don't need too much back story to know what's going on. It's also a love story, billed as a "love story of two psychopaths" or something like that. I suppose it is, too, and I also suppose that my idea of a "psychopath" deviates heavily from the vanilla bedsheets of mainstream superhero comics, but Williams does an excellent job with what he has. The art, headed up by Alessandro Vitti, is incredibly well done, as well as incredibly fitting for the book. I should also mention the colour-job by Cris Peter and Rachelle Rosenberg; it's excellent and totally enhances the mood of the overall story.

For more look-sees, I recommend heading over to Comic Book Resources for a preview.

If I may be honest, I would read more superhero comics if they were written like this. There's just enough edge to the story to appeal to my rather askew and violent tastes, and the dialog is consistent and interesting enough to draw me in. Your mileage may vary, of course, and I know a couple people out there that would find this comic to be offensive. It's certainly not for small children. But then again, if your 5 year old is reading this, a) nice to see your kid is as good a reader as I was at that age-- don't let them get a History degree or something just as useless, and b) you probably have other parent/child issues to worry over.

Oh, the story? Uh, Daken and this woman named Donna Kiel (she's FBI) deal with their feelings for each other... and they're kinda messed up and violent. And something about redemption. It reminds me a bit of my last relationship, actually. Too bad I don't have cool claws, a saner partner for that whole ordeal, or Wolverine for a dad.

It's a bit of a problem, you know? Growing up and telling my father "Dad, why can't you be Wolverine? I mean, the military thing is cool and all, but NATO didn't issue you an adamantium skeleton. I suppose the flight suits are cool, yeah" kinda got old after a while.

No, my father doesn't hate me. He probably should, though.

Nutshell version: This is one heck of a great standalone comic. Even if you don't read Daken, it's worth some ducats dropped down on it. No, it won't cure cancer or even make one bit prettier*, but you can be rest assured that this comic is in good hands.
(*chances are nothing would help in that department; sorry)

Also, am I to understand that Daken: Dark Wolverine #21 is the last issue? I should probably find that out and update. Oh, wait, just Googled that noise... Poop, looks like it. More confirmation here. It also looks like the trend of "Marvel always cancels the titles I read" soldiers on. Remember Irredeemable Ant-Man? One of my fave comics EVAR. And what happened to it? Murdered hardcore by cancellation.

UPDATE: #23 is the last issue of Daken: Dark Wolverine. Upside is I have some back issues and/or trades to purchase and read.

Lethality: While armed with only the best in vorpal weaponry, five out of six of the stalwart adventures were brutally killed. One crazed survivor came back to tell everyone "Goddammit, I might have to read Daken now."

Epilogue: I can't be the only one out there who envisions a group of orks chanting "DAKEN DAKEN DAKEN". And is it "Day-ken" or "Dack-en"? Hmmm...

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Questions? Comments? You know the drill. Say something. SAY SOMETHING. Or email me.

Pimpstarter: Flying Fortress Volume 1

2012-01-23T22:15:00.000-08:00

Here's a feature I'd like to do regularly: Showcase neat things to back through Kickstarter. I'll call it... "Pimpstarter", which feeds into my my nearly psychotic need to be funny, as well as making a terrible play on words.

Now, if you don't know what Kickstarter is, you may need to sit down, take a deep breath, and muse about what century you live in.

Oh, I kid, I kid. I'll forgive you if you don't know. The best place to get all the info you need is the Kickstarter website. But, in a nutshell, Kickstarter allows for people to pitch in pledges of money in order to fund a project. If the project meets its funding goal, the people who pledged are charged (through Amazon Payments) the amount they pledged. There are rewards for different amounts pledged, varying in coolness, type and-- no doubt-- size.

Anyway.

I would like to recommend you throw money-pledges towards Flying Fortress Volume 1.

What is it? A weird war WWII comic book. However, it's best that the creators tell you (from the Kickstarter site):

"It's 1943 and a top World War Two B-17 Bomber crew is given a secret mission to destroy Hitler’s Eagles Nest compound in the German Black Forest. Unimaginable terrors await them as the operation unravels and the crew discovers a hidden land of medieval knights and undead monsters dislodged in time..."

Yup. Pretty similar to something I would come up with. Certainly something I'd love to read.

Image from the Flying Fortress Kickstarter site

And pledging can get you all kinds of cool stuff, yeah, like a neat-o polyvinyl replica bomber jacket. But what you are REALLY doing it for is to see the creators get this baby off the ground.

See what I did there? Well, the point still stands, dammit. Check it out, pledge 'em your hard earned money and help get this project funded. Also: It's a weird war comic for gawd's sake.

WE ALWAYS NEED MORE WEIRD WAR COMICS.

It's allcaps like that.

As it should be.

--

Questions? Comments? Leave a comment, then, or drop me a goddamned email.

Mini Profile: Epic Wargaming

2012-01-23T21:12:00.000-08:00

Once in a while, I'm going to want to profile certain companies and people. It's good to get the Good Word out there, right? To kick this off, I would like to start with paper miniatures and wargaming rules outfit Epic Wargaming and the very likable guy behind it, Dave...

...and Dave was nice enough to send me the following, explaining what Epic Wargaming is all about:

"I started Epic because I love wargaming, but I’m not a fan of painting and the cost of it. So, that left me with print-and-play wargaming, but I soon found there isn't that much of it out there and thus decided to write my own game: Three Plains."

Read this fir-- No! Don't do THAT first!

"Three Plains is an old-world fantasy setting with Orcs, Elves and Goblins all fighting it out. Why? Because that’s my thing, simply."

And what's a fantasy game without Orcs, I ask?

"Three Plains is game not too different from Warhammer Fantasy Battles, but has more depth and realism than WFB, or so I believe. Characters and elite troops in Warhammer just dominated the field and as I got older I wanted to see more realistic games, where troops get tired and characters can be slain by the hands of commoners, and that’s what Three Plains is all about really. I know that mixing the words realistic and fantasy together sounds silly, but that's what Three Plains is. For instance, take the 'March Over Rule': it means you can march straight over characters which would otherwise hold up entire units of men."

Look at all those spearmen!!

"Reading this you might think it’s all my own work, but youwould be wrong, as many people have put something in the game over the yearsnow; far too many to mention. Then again, the game testers Tom, Alex, Matty andTrish have really shaped the game and brought it on more recently.

"At the moment I would say the game is half finished, as Ihave some massive plans for it next year, like adding 3 more armies and addinga siege game on to it as well. So, we have our work cut out for us and, eh,better get back to it..."

I really dig this Imperial Elf dude a lot.

As you can no doubt see, Epic Wargaming and ThreePlains are labors of love. Did you know "labor of love"abbreviates to "LOL"? It does. And no, I haven't gotten sick of thatjoke. But my point here is, it's nice to see that while Dave and his comradesare having oodles of fun with this, it's still not a laughing matter.

Because wargaming is deadly serious.

Well, okay, more like deadly expensive. And I know, I know-- there are those ofyou saying "Paper minis? PAH. Poop to that, I proclaim!". Think aboutit, though...

1) They're cheap. Sometimes free. And the look pretty darnedgood.

2) They are crazy easy to transport.

3) If you bash them up, you can always print out new ones.

4) If you aren't using paper terrain at all you are eitherinsane or rich and insane. Or both.

5) They save you tons of time, because you don't have to paint or assemble them.

6) They also save you time.
7) Have I mentioned the time-saving measures?

8) Oh, and they're cheap.
8b) In the case of Epic Wargaming, they're FREE.

Just because they're inexpensive doesn't mean they have to suck, though. EpicWargaming shows that you can get good looking little dudes on the cheap AND notbe pointed and laughed at. Be sure to check out their terrain, too.

You can always use more terrain.

So there you go. Now, be off with you, as you are itching to get to the EPIC WARGAMING SITE.

When I get a little time I'll set some of these neat paper minis and terrain up and take some pics.

Big thanks to Dave for sending me his thoughts and images. As per usual, if you have any questions for me, drop me a comment or an email.

Total Party Kill 1/20/12: Necromancing the Bones

2012-01-20T09:30:00.000-08:00

Ahhh, the old banner. Thanks to Elliot (I think) for this one.

Happy Friday, you glorious band of brother, sister and brother/sister nerds.

Look, I have no idea if I will do this every Friday, but I did want to do two things concerning this blog:

1) Have an end-of-the-week roundup post, compiling my posts throughout the week, complete with short descriptors so you can peruse at your leisure.
2) Bring back Total Party Kill, an occasional column I did in the past some people seemed to dig.

So. Here I am, wondering what to do... Ah! I know: I'll make Total Party Kill (TPK) the roundup with some new material.

Genius.

Yup. GENIUS.

More after ze jump!! Comics, minis (well A mini), games and links, oh my! /takeivoice

Here's the rundown of what has gone on in the last week or so, basically covering the necromancing this blog... in... order:

Flashback Montage with Your Mom Time

And We're Back. Sort of.
This is a very quick announcement about coming back to Diary of a Grognerd. Dunno why you would want to read it... but there you go.

Midnight Mini pr0n: Back for the Space S****n Attack!
Getting back into the swing of things real proper-like, I throw y'all a new chunky-style installment of the beloved* Midnight Mini pr0n! Featured is Mega Miniatures from the USA.
(*beloved by 34.3 people!)

ULTRAMARINES: Well, it coulda been Dragonlance
In which I "review" Ultramarines: A Warhammer 40,000 Movie. I also mention the almost indescribable horror that is the Dragonlance movie, which I plan to review soon. I hope. Or don't hope.

Midnight Mini pr0n: Crudely Cute Crooked Corn Dolls
In which I do a quickie-showy of Crooked Dice's Cord Doll minis. Corn Dolls in this case are like Scarecrows. Just so you know.

Midnight Mini pr0n: Sexy Sexy Shock Troopers
Bam! Greatcoat Shock Troopers, who look like Future Space Germans from the awesome folks over at Wargames Factory. These plastic-sprue minis are totally worth the look!

Retro Game Safari: Fallout Tactics
I dive right into my RGS idea and tackle one of the least liked games of the Fallout franchise-- but I love it! Not so much a review as more of a ramble.

My Dream Car
Yup. My dream car. In a motivational poster. Yaaaaay!

And now for the Party Killing...

Some Stuff Real Quick...

Here's the Unofficial HackMaster Quick Start Guide. (RPG)
HackMaster. It's an awesome game you should play with your friends and stuff. Especially if you love old school AD&D (and if you have friends), but want something a little more beefed up than the usual retro-clone-- but also don't want to relive their Chartmaster days. Remember Chartmaster? If you don't, you are a lucky bastard. Then again, I miss playing it. Sigh.

(I don't need to tell anyone what things like "(RPG)" after them implies, right? Good.)

Here's a good write-up asking "Is Immersion a Core Game Virtue?" (Videogames)
Seriously. Check it out. Several people I know linked to this. Totally worth a read!

I spent way too much time at this site the last couple of weeks (Fallout / Videogames)
The New Vegas Nexus... ah, what a great place to get mods as well as read and participate in a lot of shop talk regarding Fallout New Vegas.

"Shut up, dude! I know that contact is here somewhere..."

Get this for your iThingy (Judge Dredd / Videogames)
I hear good things about it... Judge Dredd AND killing zombies? Sign me up. I don't have an iPad or iPhone, but... I do hear good things about this. Maybe you have something Apple to play it on, perhaps? If you do, let me know how it is. Please?

I would give my funting left nut to play this on my drokking devices.

***

...annnd Comic Fists of Fury and Doom!

What we got here are some comics I've read I'd like to briefly mention. Naturally, my age old lethality scale for rating still applies. Don't worry, it's easy to figure out. I wish I could cover all the comics I read, but I hope these do for now. I'll be covering comics here and there anyway in blog posts, and then collating said mini-review (or, if I'm feeling crazy, full reviews) in the TPK posts. As for these sorta-reviews, don't expect a lot of detail. Click on those links and see what details are to be had, kids.

Ghost Rider #8
I am HIGHLY enjoying Rob Williams' run on Ghost Rider so far. After Jason Aaron's amazing run, I was worried good ol' GR would start to suck again. But hey, all things comic book can be approved by throwing a great 2000 AD writer at 'em, right? This seems to be the case. It's just the right balance of silly, spooky and downright screwed up that I enjoy. Some other people out there may say "The new Ghost Rider is a rip-roaring ride etc etc" and throw in "rollicking kick-ass adventure", too-- which would be completely on the mark. But to me? To me my pullquote that will never be pulled it: "Rob's new Ghost Rider will make you cry 'FUCKNOODLES' and beg for more. It's always at fever pitch, even when there's an advertisement-- Ghost Rider even make those better! After yer done readin' you'll immolate yourself just trying to get over the good time you just had and you may never have again if you read his Low Life or other such materials. The artists have varied, and I was happy to see Matthew Clark on a few issues... but this latest issue doesn't have him on it. **I should probably talk a little about the latest issue, eh?** Well, the new Ghost Rider-- who's a woman who's 18-- is adventure-questing around and in this issue she faces Hawkeye. Two things spring immediately to mind: Primus) I like this Hawkeye. And there I thought I was stuck only liking Ultimate Hawkeye. Yay! and Secundus) If Ghost Rider is basically fiery bones with clothes on, does this mean the new Ghost Rider has flame breasts? Seriously, I want to know. I mean, you can see that she has boobs, looking at her from the outside. Unless she's hiding cute little Hedgehogs of Vengeance under there. Completely possible, I suppose. What? Oh, right. So Johnny Blaze and Hawkeye team up-- this is where I should mention that Ghost Rider isn't Johnny Blaze anymore and in the process of the story, girl GR is captured while adventure is being had. Look, it isn't going to cure cancer, but new Ghost Rider run might be just the thing people with cancer need in order to get a very good and very needed laugh. I laughed quite a bit reading this. It's also rather corny. And there's lots of THOOOOOM!!!s and fire happening. Hey, it's Ghost Rider, what did you expect? Uh, you probably still don't know what the issue is about. Tell you what: Go pick it up. Pick up the previous issues. Sit down with a nice cold beverage of your choice. Starting reading and prepare to ruin the shit outta your comics because your going to be spitting that beverage everywhere. Then again, I may have a spitting problem. YMMV.
Lethality: Five brave adventurers left to fight Asmodeus and his dread Nightmare. Now Asmodeus wears two of them as capes, one as a codpiece, and another as a fancy scarf. One of the party returned. She's pretty torn up and still has a sucking chest wound.

Deadlands: Black Water
Like westerns? Like weird westerns? Like horror? Like steamcthulhuetcpunk-type stuff? Like the occult, in the west, with trains and ghosts? If you answered " yellow toaster" to any of these questions, you may have had a stroke recently. If your answered "yes" to any of 'em, then you should pick this one-shot badboy up. I guess this is the "final of four one-shots". Huh. No one telegraphed me about the other three, and I saw this and picked it up. I was just stoked to see the RPG Deadlands in comic book format! For some reason, the story that plays out reminds me of The Shadow of Chikara (aka The Curse of Demon Mountain) which scared the shit out of me when I was five. I mean, their not the same story, but my inner five year-old squeed a little bit. He also peed his pants a little, too. Overall, a fun ghost story with monsters that doesn't beat you over the head with tentacles (but there is a giant eel!). The Dime-Store Back-Up story was great, too. This book, overall, is fast-paced, eerie, creepy and exciting-- which is like just saying eerie and exciting, but anyway-- which is a a hard combination to pull off. The writing is strong, dialog excellent and the art more than passable. It's actually quite nice, in fact. My only beef are the word balloons. They're square. Call that a personal peeve... It shouldn't detract from the wonderful art and stories. Oh, and you can probably guess what the "black water" is. Yeah, it's what you're thinking but much, much darker and spookier. I'll have to pick the other 3 one-shots up now. Thanks "Black Water", you just made me spend 12 more bucks. Which in Canada comes with 16 million dollars in taxes.If you want even more information on the Deadlands comics, please visit the people behind them at Visionary Comics. Click, goddamn you--CLICK.
Lethality: Those adventuring pardners saddle up and mosied out to some kinda labyrinth out on the plains, I reckon. Seems that there were six of them, and one came back with the headless corpse of the gunslinger.

Deadpool MAX II #4
Continuing on with yet another fucking fuckballs fun-crazy run of Deadpool MAX, writer David Lapham and artist Kyle Baker create the anti-shit sandwich and make vulgar, borderline psychotic freaks like myself weep tears of joy. If you've been living in the trunk of a heavily abused Kia sedan for the past few years, the Marvel MAX line is for the comics they make for grownups. Kinda like Marvel's version of Vertigo. Well, there's no "kinda" about it. One company is "latte" and the other is "mocha" (no, no chai, hippies); but in the end they're both just goddamned coffee drinks for whiny overpriv-- well, poop, sorry, I was going off on a tear there. So, yup, this shit is awesome. Deadpool is still on the run with Hydra Bob, who is trying to keep his weight up. Hilarious hijinx ensue and Lapham and Baker get to show off what kind of twisted humans they really are. Now, I must admit, baker's art is hit and miss for me, and I don't always dig it. But when he's on, he's on. And he's doodling one of my favorite comic series I have ever read, so I'm not giving him shit. I do like another artist who has popped up, but I'm too damned lazy to look him-- fine-- Shawn Crystal. He kicked ass on #3. But some part of me can't imagine Baker NOT on Deadpool MAX, sooooo... I'm gonna stop digging that hole. Regardless of all that, if you have a sense of humor that ought to land you in jail half the time, you need to read this title. Like, now. Oh, and what else happens in issue #4? Stuff. And boobies.And Bob lost some weight. But not too much.
Lethality: Five adventurers delved deep into the caves of Kia, and they would have made if it hadn't been for those clockwork dire weasels armed with Pliers +7. What came back was part of a torso of what we think is/was the cleric. Four and a half out of five party members: DEAD.

2000 AD: Prog 2012
EEEEeeee! Pure zarjaz! I was excited to get my eyes on this... Judge Dredd, Nikolai Dante, Absalom, Grey Area, Dandridge, Sinister Dexter and Strontium Dog comics pack this annual issue. A new one, Aquila, is a comic set in ancient Rome and written by one of my fave writers ever, Gordon Rennie. Another Steve-Fave crawling throughout this issue is Dan Abnett. Also: Strontium Dog by John Wagner and Carlos Ezquerra. Sweet. Reading through the thrills (comics), I would say this is not only a treat for lifelong 2000 AD fans but is also a great prog (issue) to make a newbie's starting point. While this whole thing is a delicious treat of nerdsylvania, the stand-outs to me were: Sinister Dexter; because everything is better if you just cross Dredd, Johnny Alpha and Wulf Sternhammer over into it and ensure it's done well, and, of course, Aquila: because I've been waiting for an awesome Roman-era comic (Caligula notwithstanding), and it has fun writing and great "doomgritty" and "grimdark" art. Why go into it any further? It's a bunch of awesome violent British sci-fi/fantasy/weird comics you have to read-- in one affordable volume. And there's Xmas stories. How could it be bad? Science says it can't. Plus it's ONE HUNDRED PAGES.
Lethality: 9 out of 10 party member perish in a gruesome yet amusing manner. That's it, really.

I'll be writing more comic book mini-reviews/takes/blabs throughout the week.

***

Also: Mini pr0n!

And what would this blog if I didn't unleash some Mini pr0n?? Probably nothing, that's what. Or whatever the hell it is now...

Please feat your eyes on Fallout Girl from RAFM Miniatures:

When she tells you she's washing her hair, don't argue with her.

30mm of pure gaming awesomeness right there. Not only does she appeal to Fallout fans in general, but she'll work in just about any post-apoc and/or sci-fi minis game or roleplaying game. I can see her in a zombie apocalypse game, as well. Hell, I can see her in a Star Wars game.Very nice mini, RAFM.
Lethality: Four of the five party members are killed. The fifth is left gibbering for the rest of his life.

***

Und Finally: The Vorpal Wrap-Up

Holy crap, I've written a nice amount of stuff. I planned on writing more, and from the looks of it, a lot more. Well, here's to being inconsistent, then, because I think I'll call it a night (it's last night when I'm writing this-- and knowing is half the battle). You know, one of the things that kept me from doing TPKs more often before was me trying to have a format... which would lead to me trying to fill too much space... which led to me getting stressed. Too stressed. But this is for fun, and I like having fun. Let's say, for now anyway, that every TPK will be different but will include something about games and comics. Cool? It's a deal then.

Besides, we don't want huuuuge posts you have to read through. Best much of the Grognerd content is broken up into various posts.

Throughout the next week I'll be playing Judge Dredd: Dredd vs. Death and then talking about it for the next installment of Retro Game Safari. Big ups and zarjaz high-fives go out to reader Kelvin Green for insisting I re-play that game.

Your comments are always welcome, as are you emails. I always need links to new stuff and such sights to be shown to me. I'll even give credit where credit is due, if yer alright with it.

My ninja-colored d20 has rolled a 19! Critical exiting success.

--
Please Note: Many of the images I've lifted belong to their respective owners. They're from the sites of the products discussed. If any owner of an image has a problem with me posting them to this blog, please drop me a line to let me know. Thanks!

My Dream Car

2012-01-18T18:54:00.000-08:00

As per a conversation with my girlfriend earlier, I had an idea. This is eerily similar to the process in which I came up with my "Is This Depeche Mode?" Flowchart, which you can find over at my Depressalin Blog.

(Do you think two links are enough?)

So, there we were, walking through the snow. Night walks in the snow are the best, aren't they? So, yeah, there we were and this camo-painted VW bug goes rolling by. Then we start talking about what we would do with our fave types of car... And I decided I would get a Mad Max Interceptor-like vehicle and paint it woodland camouflage or something. Or maybe the camo the Germans wore in WWI.

But I do need one very important feature covered concerning my dream car.

Created using this.

Retro Game Safari: Fallout Tactics

2012-01-18T16:02:00.000-08:00

Howdy! This here is something I like to call Retro Game Safari. I suppose it could apply to whatever games out there that are old, but right now I'm focusing on videogames. The first RGS here will cover my thoughts on Fallout Tactics: Brotherhood of Steel-- but everyone just calls it Fallout Tactics or, more simply, FOT.

The point here isn't to provide a comprehensive review, like you can find here, here, here, or a zillion other places. Let's be honest, kids: Since its release into the gaming wilds in 2001, this game has been reviewed to death. No, no in depth review from me. The point here is to provide my sentimental thoughts or personal critical take on this particular ancient relic of gaming history.

What's that you say? Not ancient? Dude, this is from 2001, which in PC gaming terms is, like, forever ago. Luckily it's not TOO forever ago, and is still quite playable. Oh, sure, people will rave about how Ultima IV is the best game ever and that you should totally play the Gold Box SSI AD&D CRPGs (like Pool of Radiance and Secret of the Silver Blades) again. I don't know about you, but I feel those games are best left shrouded in the mists of rose-tinted memories. Have you went back and played any of those titles? Have you? Personally, after I attempted playing through a couple, I quickly backed away and now burn myself with a cigarette every time I think about playing through the original Bard's Tales and Wasteland...

...And speaking of Wasteland, let's talk Fallout Tactics!

VrrrrrrrrrmmmmmMMMMMMM: Time machine, bitches.

More after ze JUMP!

It's been quite some time since I've played this game. Fallout and I go way back, as far back as Wasteland, actually, which is considered to be the spiritual predecessor for the Fallout series.

Stolen from ze Wikipedias.

1988 wasn't THAT long ago, right?

Um, anyways, yeah, so eventually, Interplay had MicroForte do Fallout Tactics, which is a bit of a departure from Fallout 1 and 2. See, from what I understand, FOT isn't exactly Fallout "canon", which is NerdSpeak for "not really a part of the accepted fantasy pretend universe I love and cherish; so fuck you". FOT deviates from Fallout Canon in a few ways by not syncing up exactly with timelines someone might have pooped out in a drunken and/or glue-induced stupor, having weapons that aren't "Fallout Cannon" (HAW. Haw.), and numerous other things I don't think I give a shit about.

Nope. Not one teeny shit.

What I care about is fun, and this is coming from a guy who's educated in history and feels The History Channel is the equivalent of a douchey Fortean Times*. And fun FOT has! If you were ever like "I sure wish Fallout 2 had squad level combat and more combat and less RPG elements so my d00ds can shoot more rpgs and things like faces, more faces, and maybe a face or two" then you are in for a fan-fucking-tastic treat. Coated in bacon, even.

(*sincere apologies to the people at Fortean Times-- comparing you to THC is probably going to far... heh: THC)

BOOM! Borrowed from GOG. I'll give it back, I swear.

Wheras Fallout 2 expanded on Fallout with improved gameplay, an even better story, and even bigger world and an even better even every even thing, FOT says "fuck that" and allows you to live and re-live most violent fantasies you've had. Sadly, it's not in first person, and is a non-zoomable isometric view kinda thing. But, hey: 2001. Live with it.

Playing through FOT again is a real treat. You have your dudes, you go on missions for the Brotherhood of Steel splinter faction you're a part of--

Oh yeah: SPOILERS! Not like it matters. But just in case, there you go.

--and eventually the story, which rides the rails like a champ (did I mention it's not very open-ended?), leads you through all kinds of scenarios and cool stuff, like questing for Vault Zero, the Beastlords of St. Louis (proving not much has changed post-apocalypse), slogging through Kansas and Colorado and basically having a good time and eventually maybe sticking it to the Calculator. You know, for Freedom™.

And much-much more is to be had whilst tromping around working for the Chi-Town Bros of Steel. There are zeppelins, too!

Thieved from this Fallout Wiki entry HERE.

Well, okay, fine, crashed zeppelins.

I suppose I can't blame IGN; even for this one.

Oh, right. That's from Arcanum. I'll talk about that amazing game some other time. I have no in-game screenshots of crashed zepps from FOT.

Moving RIGHT along...

You can have ghouls, super mutants, dogs, robots and deathclaws in your squad... which can lead to squee-inducing images involving deathclaws like this one:

Stolened from HERE.

Character creation is very similar to the previous Fallouts, except that certain perks are changed for a more tactical game, or simply removed for the same reasons. Naturally, there are a few new perks specifically created for FOT. Still, it's the S.P.E.C.I.A.L. system we all know and love...

Also taken from GOG.

There's also a shitload of weapons and equipment to choose from, find, have fall into your lap by wayward pelicans-- may be lying about that-- and some many kewl little details that I found myself very satisfied.

I also totally dig how I can change many things about how the game plays. Do I want turn-based, squad-turn based and real-time play? What should the violence level be? Just how much of a wussy am I? Excellent selection.

Does it replace or even match up to the majesty of Fallout 2? Not really. Will you forsake Fallout 3 and Fallout New Vegas for this game? Hell, no. Or, at least I hope you wouldn't. Look, I understand there are serious diehards who not only hate this "non-canon stuff that pooped on my mom's face" game in particular, and they're usually the same ones who think Bethesda created the AIDS virus. But, come on, tis game is a real peach and the new Fallouts are a godsend.

Naturally, that's just my opinion. Your mileage may vary. I may still think you are CRAZY for thinking otherwise.

But hey, some people like scat-porn and donkey shows, too. Who am I to judge?

No. I'm not posting an image here. Screw you.

All nasty-kidding aside, most of you Fallout types should enjoy FOT. Some of you won't. But if you're like me (you poor, poor soul) then you'll get a kick out of this now-oldie-but-goody.

There's not much more I can say unless I launch into a very in-depth review. I don't think I will do that as I have other things to do currently, like wonder why my bellybutton collects more and more weird crap each passing year. Anyways, Google is your friend. Sometimes Google isn't my friend... sometimes Google steals my tacos and brings up painful childhood memories. But, through that dick Google, you can find tons more stuff on Fallout Tactics.

You want an in-depth review from me? FINE.

Play it. It rules. The End. Happy?

Now, I've noticed games like this are VERY popular in Europe, especially Eastern Europe, and especially-especially in Russia. I think that's pretty freaking cool, man. While I was hunting around for images and screenshots for FOT, I came across this neatness:

It seems way more badass in Russian.

This was lifted from RPG Land, and you can find the specific post here. Oh, why not-- here's another:

Way more badass in Russian. Hey, isn't that Johnny Alpha??

So, what are you waiting for, you unwashed, slavering, horrible unrepentant bastards? Head on over to Good Old Games (aka GOG) and buy yourself a copy of FOT. Seriously: $5.99. That's it. And it's a small price to pay for such an awesome game. It's like a time-machine that's perfect with the only notable exception being it doesn't give you hand-jobs.

All games are DRM free, and (most) install on newer machines just fine. I love the GOG installer, honestly.

Or, if you're me, reinstall Fallout Tactics and be thankful you'll never have to uninstall it again because it takes up such little space these days. Thanks, technology!

And did I mention FOT takes place in a post-nuclear world of grim and perilous adventure?

--

That's all I got for Fallout Tactics. Hope you don't want to stab me too much.

I must decide what I will play next and do a write-up on... I need suggestions. This is where I force you to comment or email me. Right now, the currently installed choices are:

Arcanum: Of Steamworks and Magick Obscura
Judge Dredd: Dredd vs Death
Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
Fallout 2
MDK
Warhammer 40,000: Chaos Gate

There's more to choose from on this machine, but let's keep at those for now.

I'm going to go enjoy the snowpocalypse outside. Cheers!

Midnight Mini pr0n: Sexy Sexy Shock Troopers

2012-01-18T00:00:00.000-08:00

OOooooYEAH! It's time to get down with another Mini pr0n-- at Midnight, even.

Have a short one in store for you (again), but I'd like to keep these short, you know? Cuz... well, cuz I'm kinda busy and lazy and busy being lazy.

Wargames Factory stormed the market not all that long ago with very decently designed and affordable plastic kits. I've dug what they've thrown at us so far, but the one I really, REALLY geek out over is their Greatcoat Shock Troopers.

Bring on the SEXY.

Or Shock Troops. Or Greatcoat Troopers-- whatevs. It's from their Alien Suns line, which also has...

buh-LAM! Now THAT is Bitch Puddin'.

Anyways, let's keep this about the Greatcoats. Essentially "Ze Germans" of Spaaaaace... And it never gets old.

"Und keep zem up!"

No. I am not being sarcastic. Not being sarcastic there, either. I don't know about you, but I love this shit. And if you're not participating in any official "tourneys" or whatever, and you like like playing something that sounds akin to "Imperial Guard" or "Traitor Guardsmen", then these cheap and well-done plastic minis will do nicely.

"Und zen I shot Herr Gaunt in ze face."

Personally, I can find all kinds of uses for them. From Weird War type RPG stuff to Dark Heresy and Rogue Trader RPG goodness to Judge Dredd and Traveller and Gamma World. In fact-- well, in fact, I can't help but wonder what mixing up some of these plastic kits with other kits Wargames factory has to offer... Like this:

"Sssshocktrooper brainssss..."

Mixed up with a bit of this:

"Vendi, vidi, vici-- time to take Space France!"

All in all, a great selection of stuff. See for yourself!

And the best part? I'm in Canada and ordering one of these sets only costs me just over $25 when shipping is thrown in. Awesome!! I can see myself ordering lots of these in the future.

I mean, it's important that I construct my Undead Space Roman Shock Troops, right?

(Quick Update: All pictures pulled from the Wargames Factory's site!)

Midnight Mini pr0n: Crudely Cute Crooked Corn Dolls

2012-01-16T00:00:00.000-08:00

Got a very short installment of The Mini pr0n for you...

Check these out:

"...and if we hear ANY more 'Thriller in Indiana' jokes..."

Brought to you by the fine, twisted minds of Crooked Dice Game Design Studio. They not only have minis, but they also do games, as well.

You can see more more of what they have to offer, like A Clockwork Orange-ish minis, in their miniatures section here. Good prices and decent shipping rates, if you ask me. Hopefully I'll get around to ordering the Corn Dolls when I get a chance.

I can see a serious What the Fucking Fuck Moment occurring in a Dark Heresy game when I toss these guys at my players...

That's all the Midnight Mini pr0n you get for now. Sleep tight!

--

Questions? Suggestions? Adoring words of love and raccoons? Hit me as hard as you can in the comments or email me.

ULTRAMARINES: Well, it coulda been Dragonlance

2012-01-15T22:33:00.000-08:00

Ultramarine? Your mom is an Ultramarine!

"My mother is an Imperial Fist. Dick."

Last night my girlfriend and I watched Ultramarines: A Warhammer 40,00 Movie. Now, I've seen it before. I liked it before about as much as I liked it again: "Meh" comes to mind. And truth be told, I hate it when people "meh" things. Have a fucking opinion or don't, but don't be all like "meh".

Well, I do have an opinion, and aside from whining on Facebook once or twice, I don't think I've said anything on this subject as of yet.

What exactly is Ultramarines? Here, read the synopsis. My lazy ass will not be bothered to write it out for you. I'll wait.

zzzzZZZZZ--huh??? Oh, uh, welcome back!

Now if you plan on seeing it before you're tainted by opinions and such, I recommend the stopping of the readings of this entry right now and go watch the film. Then come back and decide if you think I taste like taint or not. Go. Now.

As for the rest of you... (or you who has come back-- welcome back, again, blah blah etc)

Tasting taint-- in Ultramarines, you totally can according to the Apothecary.

My girlfriend knows nothing about Warhammer 40k and so while she felt some scenes were cool and neat-o, nothing really grabbed her. Also, the animation was jerky, bland and bothersome. Sadly, I have to completely agree. There were moments of "FETH YEAH!", but they were few and far between. If you've had no experience with Warhammer 40,000, then you are better off not watching Ultramarines, as it will leave you confused... and stuck listening to the hyper-jabber of some mouth-fapping rabid fanboy.

For the record: I'd like to say "I'm sorry" to my girlfriend.

It has good voice acting and some decent action sequences, but overall it feels shallow and hollow. I have a feeling the script, penned by The Mighty Dan Abnett, was probably stronger-- or was intended to be better-- before we see what we, well, saw. I don't expect award-winning storytelling, mind, just action pulp with a rollicking good shoot 'em up, decapitations and whirring blades of death & dismemberment and such.

Ultramarines at least has the death and dismemberment down.

Get some.

In a nutshell, the story is thus (Spoilers! for you whiners out there):

-Young Marines go on first combat mission (weren't they Scouts for years first??).
-Said Marines are led by a kick-ass Captain and have a grizzled vet as an Apothecary.
- An "Apothecary" is a medic guy who patches up the wounded and collects a fallen Marine's gene seed.
- No, "gene seed" is not a euphemism.
-They go someplace.
-Someplace where other Marines have been slaughtered.
-Chaos Space Marines fresh from the Chaos Space Marine Factory show up.
-Stuff happens. Boom bang biff pow. Captain dies.
-Also: Violence.
-They try to get back with the MacGuffin they found.
-Big fight happens. Action. Dead Captain shows up to hand out asses like candy corn.
-Surprise! More violence.
-Surviving Marines go back to Homebaseshipplace.
-Surprise! Captain turns out to be the daemon.
-Did I mention the daemon?
-Oh, and have I mentioned Brits spell "demon" as "daemon"?
-But it's pronounced "dee-mon". Go fig.
-You don't see it coming, but lots of more violence stuff happens.
-Daemon Captain is defeated by Sean Pertwee voiced protagonist...
-...With a special-- wait--just--wait--WARHAMMER, foreshadowed earlier.
-Everyone has a good laugh, snorts coke off hookers' tits and enjoys a donkey show*.
-Full circle-- new Marines are sworn in by the two surviving protagonists.
-Surprise! They swear on a WARHAMMER.

(*I may or may not be making this part up.)

Aside from a metric sump-ton of what I perceived to be oversights, errors, and blatant plot-problems (e.g: Why does an entire company of Imperial Fists defend a Shrine World; and just them? Aren't there only 1000 Imperial Fists anywhere to begin with? Can someone help me with this one??), I was also left feeling sad that there's no sense of scale. The Adeptus Astartes-- Space Marines to you non-geeks-- stand, on average, 8 feet tall (and taller), are enormous ass-beating Angels of Death and Dooooom, but we have no sense of scale since they seem to be the only dudes we see. I suppose we also see some tech-servitor dudes, too, but they don't count. Some Guardsmen, say, on the Shrine World, would have been perfect for scale purposes. I will hand it to the production crew for coming up with clever ways to illustrate the heavy power armour and just how nimble Battle Brothers (Space Marines) are when they're wearing it.

Scale Fail here? Nope. That's a BIG ship, man.

Girlfriend just pointed out "And didn't they die rather easily? Like TOO easily?"

The simple answer for her is: Yes.

Ultramarines does have a very important thing going for it: It's not Dragonlance.

Let me explain.

Dragonlance was one of the worst animated disasters of several lifetimes. Like Ultramarines, it was one of those animated features with cool celebrity voices you got excited to see. You didn't care if it looked like it was going to be a G.I. JOE cartoon from the 80's, by the looks of it. You don't care that Lucy Lawless and Kiefer Sutherland were probably going to semaphore it in, not really giving a shit.

Well. I will say the actors actually did a good job on Dragonlance-- with what they had to work with.

What resulted was something too horrible to ever talk about, but I'm sure I'll suck it up at some point and do a write up on Dragonlance, anyway. To put it as eloquently as possible: Dragonlance sucked so bad that a crack team of physicists were assigned to repairing the damage to our universe that it caused. In other words, it sucked and instantly became the windowless white van of animated adaptations where beloved properties are concerned.

It made the Dungeons & Dragons movie look like Children of Men.

Pictured: Better than Dragonlance.

Anyways, enough about that steaming pile of shit. I suppose it's my special way of saying "Ultramarines is pretty terribad, but it's not a steaming pile of shit, and you can watch it a second time without ever feeling the need to kill yourself or your loved ones."

As a hardcore Warhammer (40k and Fantasy) fan since 1987, I have to say I was pretty disappointed. Does that mean I didn't buy it on DVD? No. In fact, here, order it. Have some fun with it. But only get it if you're okay with it being worse than any Black Library book you've ever read.

I happily bought the Mutant Chronicles film. I may have a problem. What? WHAT? There's a 2-disc collector's edition???? Yes, I will buy this, no doubt.

Whoops! Getting really sidetracked here... So, yeah, Ultramarines also offers some excellent voice work all around, and includes epic-awesome talent like Terrance Stamp, John Hurt and Sean Pertwee. In a nutshell, if the animation and story had been tighter, I would have wet myself in complete satisfaction. However, when the opening cutscenes from the Dawn of War videogame kick your rump where action animation is concerned... well... um... yeah.

But I judge harshly. I still would like to thank the cast and crew of Ultramarines for finally putting a Warhammer 40k feature out.

I just wish I wasn't so put out by it.

Kneel before Severus.

(Images pulled from the Ultramarines movie website*. Give it a visit! Nice site.)
(*Except the BloodRayne one, which is yoinked from Wikipedia.)

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Lethality: Six players showed up to play today and only one watched their Halfling acrobat die horribly. The rest of the group had some close calls, and the snooty High Elf lost an ear and part of his upper lip. All told, they still made out like drunken bandits. The DM is fuming and plotting something involving man-eating, intelligent falling rocks to unleash on the party next game session.

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Questions? Comments? Rotten fruit or suggestions or suggestions for rotten fruit? Then drop me a line and such. Don't be shy... No, really, I'm starting to really creep my girlfriend out and she's-- she's looking right at me, isn't she... poop.

Midnight Mini pr0n: Back for the Space S****n Attack!

2012-01-15T00:00:00.000-08:00

It's good to be back. And Happy Midnight, everyone in the Pacific Standard Time Zone! Chances are, though, that you're reading this the next morning because you don't live in the same time zone as me and other Awesome People. Chances are that I'm writing this much earlier, updating it piece by piece as I work on other stuff (like your mom--BAM) and then having the damned thing post at Midnight.

Really, it doesn't matter. I like using the name "Midnight Mini pr0n" and you will like it, too, like it or not.

Tonight I would like to geek out over discovering Mega Miniatures. Now, I may have discovered them before, but it's been a while, so give me a break, okay? Let's get to it!

Note: All pictures are pulled from the Mega Miniatures site and eBay store. If anyone over at Mega Miniatures has a problem with this, please contact me: synabetic (at) gmail (dot) com.
Part of me dreads saying this, but I hope this company doesn't get nailed by You-Know-Who... I mean-- dare I say it?-- they have Space Skaven-esque figures and Sci-Fi Beastmen available! I guess it should be stated right freaking now that this is my opinion and my opinion only. Period. I am certain Mega Miniatures had no intention of their miniatures looking like or reminding anyone of a particular miniatures line. Got that? Good.

First, I encourage every goddamned nerd reading this to look through their eBay store and PDF catalogs. There is some epic stuff to be had! I am going to document my wish list. Deep breath. Prepare the sacrificial altar with the requisite baby hearts. I'm gonna freak right the heck out.